The Hero We Deserve

It occurred to me in a conversation with my brother yesterday that for the past week or so, I’ve devoted all of my spare time (in the evenings, mainly) to playing Batman: Arkham Knight.

I’m working in an office as a food writer by day and gliding off rooftops to beat up criminals (virtually) by night.

So basically, I…I am Batman.

This is it.

I’ve done it.

No achievement in my life can top this. I’ve become Batman.

Ahahahahahaha!

I wonder why my boss is calling building security. Is there villainy afoot?

I’d better go with them and check it out…

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Whump!

William Grumble

745 Wilford Park

Citysburg

Mayor Gregory Keller

1490 City Hall Drive

Citysburg

 

Dear Mayor Keller,

I am writing to you on behalf of the residents of Wilford Park.

It has come to our attention that there has been increased superhuman activity in our neighborhood recently and it has been a major disruption in our lives. Last week, for example, when the super criminal known as The Bungler ran amok through the city, he apparently chose to hide out in our building. It goes without saying that we were quite anxious and eager to see him captured.

I must commend Nocturnal Man for putting a stop to the villain’s rampage, but something must be done about the collateral damage caused by their clash. That evening, I was at home, enjoying a nice hot cup of tea when I was startled by a sound that I can only describe as ‘whump’. It was caused by none other than Nocturnal Man himself, jumping onto my roof in pursuit of the villain.

Throughout the subsequent battle, many such ‘whumps’ were heard as these powerful beings tossed each other around. While the eventual capture of The Bungler is laudable Nocturnal Man and his many associates, such as Night Woman and Moon Boy, have been patroling the area since the incident, jumping from rooftop to rooftop, filling the air with a chorus of ‘whumps’.

It is becoming unbearable. I fully support the work that these heroes do, and believe that our city is safer for them being here, but is this the price we pay for security? Must we tolerate a barrage of ‘whumps’ so that supervillains can be kept at bay? We, the residents of Wilford Park, certainly will not stand for it.

Thus I take it upon myself to inform you that we have very recently formed the League of Disgruntlement, an organization dedicated to keeping our rooftops and neighborhoods free of those that go ‘whump’ in the night.

Our first order of business will be to take control of City Hall, so that we may better convince you of our position. However, we do not wish to cause any major disruption in the city, and would therefore be much obliged if you could arrange for 15 entry passes for me any my fellow committee members.

Once the passes have been issued, we will march together to your office, and will most likely have to hold you hostage until our demands are met. We deeply regret the inconvenience, but it is necessary to regain our peace of mind.

Together, I am certain we can reach an understanding and put an end to these incessant ‘whumps’ once and for all.

I shall await your response with regard to the passes, and look forward to capturing you soon.

 

Respectfully Yours,

 

William Grumble a.k.a. The Chairman

Head of Wilford Park Housing Committee

Chairman of The League of Disgruntlement