On Unsteady Feet

Stumble once, and it’s an accident.

Stumble twice, learn to keep your eye on the road ahead.

Stumble again – Seriously?! Again?!!

You know what? It might be time to rethink the whole ‘walking’ thing.

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The Hero We Deserve

It occurred to me in a conversation with my brother yesterday that for the past week or so, I’ve devoted all of my spare time (in the evenings, mainly) to playing Batman: Arkham Knight.

I’m working in an office as a food writer by day and gliding off rooftops to beat up criminals (virtually) by night.

So basically, I…I am Batman.

This is it.

I’ve done it.

No achievement in my life can top this. I’ve become Batman.

Ahahahahahaha!

I wonder why my boss is calling building security. Is there villainy afoot?

I’d better go with them and check it out…

Conversations With A Strange Mind: Slowing Down

“Welp, looks like we missed another post.”

“Sigh…yeah, looks like we did.”

“And you can’t blame your cold for this one!”

“I could have, before you said anything.”

“I – oh…”

“We’re running out of material.”

“I didn’t even know we were making a dress.”

“Comedic material! Jokes Gags!”

“Ohhh…of course that’s what you meant. Haha, silly me. I was wondering when you became a tailor…”

“Never mind that! We don’t have enough material to do our bits every week.”

“Tell me about it. Trying to think up all this comedy is making my…well…me, hurt.”

“Yeah, headaches are definitely no fun. We’ll need to do something about that.”

“Maybe you should write about depressing stuff instead. War and famine and the futility of human existence and how insignificant we are in this vast universe. Stuff like that.”

“What?! That’s terrible! Nobody wants to read that! Now you’ve got me all depressed…”

“Err…ok…maybe that was a little too heavy. But it’s fine! You can just put some sort of philosophical spin on it, like…umm…the universe is a vast and uncaring place, but one cannot deny the allure of ice cream.”

“That’s a ridiculous philosophy.”

“I will hear nothing against ice cream, heretic!”

“Getting this horribly derailed train back on track, we can’t keep going week after week.”

“Then why not make it a monthly thing?”

“That’s…not a bad idea, actually.”

“Yeah, make it more of a monthly thing and, since Sunday ends up being a busy day, maybe move it to Monday.”

“Perfect. From now on, Conversations With A Strange Mind will be a monthly feature, and will shift to Mondays.”

“I just said that. Why are you explaining it to me?”

“Not you! I’m talking to the readers.”

“I’m pretty sure you were just talking to me.”

“I am so glad this is going to be only once a month now.”

“Hey! That’s not cool! Brains have feelings too, you know!”

“Well you can save your feelings for next month, buddy. We’re outta here.”

“Oh, alright. See you in a month then!”

“Well, you’ll be seeing me every day.”

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Touché.”

Conversations With A Strange Mind: Summer Sniffles

“Urgh…I hade dis stupid cold…by head feels all achey..”

“Yeah, it’s not really a fun ride for me either. Nice Stallone impression, by the way.”

“Shuddup.”

“Ouch. Guess I got the…cold shoulder!”

“Oh do…”

“Hee hee hee…I crack myself up.”

“I think you bay have beed cracked up doo bady tibes…”

“You might wanna lay off the wordplay for a while, Rocky.”

“Ughh…this is awful!”

“It sure is. How’d you go around catching a cold in summer, anyway?”

“I dot dow…stupid weather.”

“Hmm..s’pose so. But hey, look on the bright side!”

“Ad what’s dat?”

“I don’t know….I asked you to look.”

“…I’b godda go to bed.”

“Alright, but we’ve still got a – aaaand he’s gone.”

“ZzzzZZZzZZzzZZkkrrhhhh….”

“Sigh…stupid weather.”

Conversations With A Strange Mind: Oh Jelly Bean, Oh Jelly Bean, How I Do Love Thee

“Hey! Weren’t we supposed to have a thing yesterday?”

“You mean a post?”

“Yeah, that. What happened?”

“Well, things got a bit busy yesterday.”

“Lazy. Things got a bit lazy.”

“No! I was busy with…stuff…and things…”

“Oh, right. Of course you were. Because lying to your own brain is a totally solid plan.”

“I..uhh…”

“I’m the one that does the lying around here, pal. I could have you dress up in a tutu and run around your office singing sonnets about jelly beans, then have you forget the whole thing. It’d all be repressed by your psyche. And you know she’d happily do it too.”

“That’s…an awfully specific idea. You haven’t…?”

“Not as far as you know.”

“Well, surely that would have come up during a performance review.”

“Oh, I just used the office as an example. Doesn’t mean that’s where it happened.”

“What?!”

“So what’s on the agenda for today?”

“Wait…the tutu thing…it’s not true, is it?”

“Hahaha. Now, what have we got going on?”

“I…well..nothing. It’s a bit late now. Guess we’ll have to skip this week.”

“Oh…alright. Guess we get a little break then.”

“Yeah, yeah…a break. So about that whole tutu thing?”

“Yep, a break. That’s just what we need.”

“No, but…”

“Let’s take a walk. It’ll help you clear your head. Maybe you can hum that jelly bean song. How did it go again?”

“meep…”