The Wind Blows Across Empty Plains

Wow, is it quiet in here or is it just me?

*crickets*

Ah…well…

So sorry to all my readers (yes, I see the both of you back there) for the apparent deadness of my site. Life is a funny little thing. A river that rages along and pulls everything to the whim of its current. I am but a man, alas, with so many obligations and so little time. I’ve been trying to dodge life’s various curveballs and not get buried under its –

Oh, what the hell. I’ve been lazy. It’s just as simple as that.

‘Maybe I don’t have to write a blog post every single day,” you say to yourself once and the next thing you know, it’s been over a year and your blog is collecting digital dust bunnies. Oops.

I had half a mind to just shut the whole thing down since I wasn’t updating it at all, but then one day (well, yesterday), the blogging flame that once burned brightly in my mind and then simmered slowly for a while before being extinguished by the lazy waters of procrastination suddenly re-ignited itself. No, I thought, I can’t abandon this blog. It’s my mind space. It’s where I throw out the random thoughts that refuse to stay contained. I can’t shut this down any more than I can shut down my own brain.

So I return from my own ashes like a keyboard-tapping phoenix, ready to unleash a blog storm again and drench you all with my thoughts (it sounded less dirty in my head, I promise).

Until I get lazy again. Which tends to happen from time to time.

But I’ll work on that.

Maybe tomorrow…

The Hero We Deserve

It occurred to me in a conversation with my brother yesterday that for the past week or so, I’ve devoted all of my spare time (in the evenings, mainly) to playing Batman: Arkham Knight.

I’m working in an office as a food writer by day and gliding off rooftops to beat up criminals (virtually) by night.

So basically, I…I am Batman.

This is it.

I’ve done it.

No achievement in my life can top this. I’ve become Batman.

Ahahahahahaha!

I wonder why my boss is calling building security. Is there villainy afoot?

I’d better go with them and check it out…

Conversations With A Strange Mind: Slowing Down

“Welp, looks like we missed another post.”

“Sigh…yeah, looks like we did.”

“And you can’t blame your cold for this one!”

“I could have, before you said anything.”

“I – oh…”

“We’re running out of material.”

“I didn’t even know we were making a dress.”

“Comedic material! Jokes Gags!”

“Ohhh…of course that’s what you meant. Haha, silly me. I was wondering when you became a tailor…”

“Never mind that! We don’t have enough material to do our bits every week.”

“Tell me about it. Trying to think up all this comedy is making my…well…me, hurt.”

“Yeah, headaches are definitely no fun. We’ll need to do something about that.”

“Maybe you should write about depressing stuff instead. War and famine and the futility of human existence and how insignificant we are in this vast universe. Stuff like that.”

“What?! That’s terrible! Nobody wants to read that! Now you’ve got me all depressed…”

“Err…ok…maybe that was a little too heavy. But it’s fine! You can just put some sort of philosophical spin on it, like…umm…the universe is a vast and uncaring place, but one cannot deny the allure of ice cream.”

“That’s a ridiculous philosophy.”

“I will hear nothing against ice cream, heretic!”

“Getting this horribly derailed train back on track, we can’t keep going week after week.”

“Then why not make it a monthly thing?”

“That’s…not a bad idea, actually.”

“Yeah, make it more of a monthly thing and, since Sunday ends up being a busy day, maybe move it to Monday.”

“Perfect. From now on, Conversations With A Strange Mind will be a monthly feature, and will shift to Mondays.”

“I just said that. Why are you explaining it to me?”

“Not you! I’m talking to the readers.”

“I’m pretty sure you were just talking to me.”

“I am so glad this is going to be only once a month now.”

“Hey! That’s not cool! Brains have feelings too, you know!”

“Well you can save your feelings for next month, buddy. We’re outta here.”

“Oh, alright. See you in a month then!”

“Well, you’ll be seeing me every day.”

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Touché.”

Hot and Cold

I’ve been kinda sick this past week. Needless to say, it sucks.

The combination of hot and humid weather, scalding water in the bathroom and a broken-down air conditioner really messed me up. Or maybe there’s just a virus going around. I prefer to blame the weather, since it’s terrible. Summer’s only just begun though, so this just the tip of the sand dune when it comes to heat waves.

Probably the worst part about being sick is that point where it feels like I might be sick forever. Deep down, I know that’s not true. I’ve had colds before, I’ll have them again. But there is that low point of having a cold, the nadir of sickness, if you will, where it seems like this is it. I’m going to be sniffling and coughing and sneezing for the rest of my life, my head always feeling like it’s been stuffed with glue.

Trying to work out with a cold is another fun challenge. There’s nothing quite like that burning sensation in the lungs and throat from trying to do push-ups or a core workout when my body just wants to find the nearest horizontal surface and collapse on it.

And losing my senses of smell and taste so I can’t tell if I’m eating roast chicken or cardboard? Fantastic. In fact, it’s probably my favorite part. I’ll look forward to a dish that I’m making (or ordering) because it sounds absolutely delicious. Boy, it’s gonna make for an awesome meal…and then comes the slow, soul-draining realization that I won’t know if it’s delicious or awful. It’ll just taste like nothing. Plain ol’ nothing.

Ah well. It’s starting to clear out now. In another day or two, I’ll be back in form. The air conditioning’s been fixed and we’re regulating the water temperature. Now I just need to make it through the sweltering heat for the next 4 or 5 months. Awesome.

Conversations With A Strange Mind: Summer Sniffles

“Urgh…I hade dis stupid cold…by head feels all achey..”

“Yeah, it’s not really a fun ride for me either. Nice Stallone impression, by the way.”

“Shuddup.”

“Ouch. Guess I got the…cold shoulder!”

“Oh do…”

“Hee hee hee…I crack myself up.”

“I think you bay have beed cracked up doo bady tibes…”

“You might wanna lay off the wordplay for a while, Rocky.”

“Ughh…this is awful!”

“It sure is. How’d you go around catching a cold in summer, anyway?”

“I dot dow…stupid weather.”

“Hmm..s’pose so. But hey, look on the bright side!”

“Ad what’s dat?”

“I don’t know….I asked you to look.”

“…I’b godda go to bed.”

“Alright, but we’ve still got a – aaaand he’s gone.”

“ZzzzZZZzZZzzZZkkrrhhhh….”

“Sigh…stupid weather.”

Conversations With A Strange Mind: Oh Jelly Bean, Oh Jelly Bean, How I Do Love Thee

“Hey! Weren’t we supposed to have a thing yesterday?”

“You mean a post?”

“Yeah, that. What happened?”

“Well, things got a bit busy yesterday.”

“Lazy. Things got a bit lazy.”

“No! I was busy with…stuff…and things…”

“Oh, right. Of course you were. Because lying to your own brain is a totally solid plan.”

“I..uhh…”

“I’m the one that does the lying around here, pal. I could have you dress up in a tutu and run around your office singing sonnets about jelly beans, then have you forget the whole thing. It’d all be repressed by your psyche. And you know she’d happily do it too.”

“That’s…an awfully specific idea. You haven’t…?”

“Not as far as you know.”

“Well, surely that would have come up during a performance review.”

“Oh, I just used the office as an example. Doesn’t mean that’s where it happened.”

“What?!”

“So what’s on the agenda for today?”

“Wait…the tutu thing…it’s not true, is it?”

“Hahaha. Now, what have we got going on?”

“I…well..nothing. It’s a bit late now. Guess we’ll have to skip this week.”

“Oh…alright. Guess we get a little break then.”

“Yeah, yeah…a break. So about that whole tutu thing?”

“Yep, a break. That’s just what we need.”

“No, but…”

“Let’s take a walk. It’ll help you clear your head. Maybe you can hum that jelly bean song. How did it go again?”

“meep…”

Conversations With A Strange Mind: Death to Groundhogs

“What a week!”

“I know, right? All that stuff happened, and then we did those things…talk about a wild ride!”

“Yeah, totally.”

“How long do you think before people catch on that we’re just making things up?”

“Well, now that you’ve explicitly spelled it out? I think they’ve caught on.”

“Oh…right…”

“Man, it’s hard to believe another week’s flown by already. I mean, what did we even do?”

“Well, let’s see…work, play video games, eat, sleep, work, watch TV, make blog posts, work, eat, sleep..”

“Yeah, alright, I get it. But it’s just all so…I dunno..”

“Boring? Tedious? Mindlessly mundane?”

“I was going to go with ‘routine’, but thanks for the morale boost.”

“Sorry. Guess you are kind of a drag, huh?”

“Not helping.”

“Well, what do you have lined up for the coming week? Must be some pretty exciting stuff going on!”

“Oh yeah, sure! I’ve got some articles to finish for work, gonna continue my games, push out a few blog…pos…hmm…that sounds just like last week..”

“You’re right, it does. The same thing all over a – holy time loops! You’re stuck in a time loop!”

“Say what now?”

“You’re stuck in a time loop! How else do you explain each week feeling just like the last? It’s because it’s all the same week, playing on repeat!”

“Well, it’s not exactly the same week. I mean, some things are different.”

“Of course they are! Each time you re-enter the loop, you perform your actions a little differently, maybe carrying over some lessons you learned in the previous iteration. So you might say that history…*mimes putting on sunglasses*…doesn’t repeat itself.”

“I don’t even…did you just say ‘mimes putting on sunglasses’?”

“Yeah, you know, for dramatic effect.”

“Why not just say ‘puts on sunglasses’? You’re miming a pretend action?”

“Well, you know, umm…we have to kill a groundhog!”

“What?!”

“It’s like the movie Groundhog Day. You’re stuck in a time loop until you kill a groundhog!”

“I don’t think that’s how Groundhog Day ends.”

“Have you watched it?”

“Well, no..”

“Then that could be how it ends, as far as you know.”

“What? No. I’m pretty sure I would have heard about that ending by now.”

“Perhaps you’re not as culturally savvy as you think. Did you know, for example, that The Lord of the Rings was originally about a telephone operator?”

“That…just isn’t true.”

“Alright. I’m still killing a groundhog though.”

“Ugh, fine.”

“Then off we go!”

“Go where, exactly? Groundhogs are native to North America.”

“Ah.”

“Yep.”

“Do you remember how this whole discussion started?”

“Yeah, I said, ‘What a week!'”

“I know, right? All that stu – “

“Stop that!”

“Curse you, groundhogs!”