Overcast

I’ve been a bit lost in my head lately. More than usual, anyway.

Some days it feels like the whole world is spinning along while I’m stuck in the same place. Did I mention my occasional anxiety attacks? I think I may have said something about that once.

This past week I’ve been struggling a bit about whether to write a post on anxiety or not. Part of me hesitates to do so because I don’t want to be a bummer for people who come across my blog. But another part thinks it’s silly, that I’m just being overdramatic about trivial things and trying to call it anxiety or depression. I’ve always hated it when someone’s response to depression of any sort is to say, “Just cheer up! It’s not so bad!”. And yet, that’s what I feel like saying to myself sometimes. That the dark cloud hovering over my head will vanish if I just wish really really hard.

But it doesn’t quite work out that way. So I lurch along from one day to the next, enjoying the small patches of sunshine that bring a smile to my face as I make my way through the storm.

 

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Solitude

I have a love and hate relationship with being by myself.

Sometimes it’s what I crave most, to be far away from family and co-workers and even friends, to be away from any person that takes up my time, and to instead devote that time entirely to myself and my own pursuits. Maybe I’ll sit down with a good book, watch a movie or play some video games. Or, as is the case nowadays, maybe I’ll write about something. No distractions, no responsibilities, no human interaction. Just me and my thoughts, existing peacefully. It sounds…blissful.

But then comes the other side of the coin. Loneliness is one of my biggest fears. Not having anyone to care about or that cares about me, never being able to have a conversation or crack a joke, never holding a warm hand while enjoying a shared moment. The thought of it makes my blood run cold. What happens when I finish that book? Do I pick up another? Maybe I’m done reading for now. Even a game can only demand so much of my attention; I’ll need to move around at some point. I cannot be confined to my own head indefinitely. That’s where the seeds of madness are planted.

It all comes down to being around the right people. When I’m completely comfortable with someone, I don’t go looking for the retreat of solitude, nor do I find myself yearning for companionship. An equilibrium is reached. Unfortunately, the right people are rare in this world.

So for now, I go back and forth, pushing others away and then pulling them towards me like a deranged yo-yo.