Adrift

Sometimes I feel like I’m on a boat in the middle of the ocean. I drift along, passing by islands and continents. There are people on the shores who wave at me and I wave back.

I see children and adults, friends and lovers as I float past. My boat goes around, crossing the same ocean again. The children have grown, the adults have aged. Old friends have given way to new ones and the lovers have built families for themselves. Yet I am still there, on that boat. Alone. Watching the world from the water.

I consider stopping somewhere, finding a piece of land to call my own. A place where I can settle down, build my own family, my own home. But then the wind picks up and carries my boat along. All I can do is watch, separated from the world by a shimmering barrier that I find myself unable to cross.

Maybe one day, I’ll find a way off that boat. Maybe one day, the storms that occasionally rage along the ocean and in my own mind will calm down. Until then, all I can do is drift along and watch the lives of others go by as my own stays stuck in limbo.

Advertisements

Solitude

I have a love and hate relationship with being by myself.

Sometimes it’s what I crave most, to be far away from family and co-workers and even friends, to be away from any person that takes up my time, and to instead devote that time entirely to myself and my own pursuits. Maybe I’ll sit down with a good book, watch a movie or play some video games. Or, as is the case nowadays, maybe I’ll write about something. No distractions, no responsibilities, no human interaction. Just me and my thoughts, existing peacefully. It sounds…blissful.

But then comes the other side of the coin. Loneliness is one of my biggest fears. Not having anyone to care about or that cares about me, never being able to have a conversation or crack a joke, never holding a warm hand while enjoying a shared moment. The thought of it makes my blood run cold. What happens when I finish that book? Do I pick up another? Maybe I’m done reading for now. Even a game can only demand so much of my attention; I’ll need to move around at some point. I cannot be confined to my own head indefinitely. That’s where the seeds of madness are planted.

It all comes down to being around the right people. When I’m completely comfortable with someone, I don’t go looking for the retreat of solitude, nor do I find myself yearning for companionship. An equilibrium is reached. Unfortunately, the right people are rare in this world.

So for now, I go back and forth, pushing others away and then pulling them towards me like a deranged yo-yo.