Dear Brain

Today’s assignment is to write a letter. So I did. I thought I’d try to make it funny. But then I didn’t.

Dear Brain,

I hope this letter finds you well.

Though, in truth, I know it won’t. Forgive my bluntness, but we both know it to be true. You haven’t been well in quite some time. Perhaps you never were.

You’re always on a quest. You find yourself on an unending journey to find true beauty in this world. To find true happiness. To find the most comforting depths of peace. It always seems so elusive. I think it might be because you’re looking at some unattainable definition of happiness. When we’re enjoying a good meal or playing a fun game, are you not happy? When you think up a story and map it out from beginning to conclusion, doesn’t that bring you joy? Why should anything else matter?

Yet, everything matters. You punish yourself with needless stress and worry. I appreciate the effort you make in crafting elaborate and devastating panic attacks, but I would really prefer not to have them. The sense of anxiety that you create in the pit of my stomach on some days is another well-crafted but unnecessary touch. You’re always so concerned with staying organized and keeping order that you plunge yourself into chaos without meaning to.

I would like to urge you to take it easy for a while. I know things haven’t always been under our control, and our life’s been thrown off balance more times than we’d like. But that’s the nature of life. It throws curveballs and bobs when you expect it to weave. Trying to control every aspect of it is futile. You can’t always stop the worst from happening. The best you can do is face it head-on and learn to pick yourself up when it knocks you down.

Take things a little easier. Spend more time focusing on the good and learn to smile in spite of the bad.

Life’s too short to panic.

I hope you get better.

Wishing you the best always,

The Rest Of Me

Whump!

William Grumble

745 Wilford Park

Citysburg

Mayor Gregory Keller

1490 City Hall Drive

Citysburg

 

Dear Mayor Keller,

I am writing to you on behalf of the residents of Wilford Park.

It has come to our attention that there has been increased superhuman activity in our neighborhood recently and it has been a major disruption in our lives. Last week, for example, when the super criminal known as The Bungler ran amok through the city, he apparently chose to hide out in our building. It goes without saying that we were quite anxious and eager to see him captured.

I must commend Nocturnal Man for putting a stop to the villain’s rampage, but something must be done about the collateral damage caused by their clash. That evening, I was at home, enjoying a nice hot cup of tea when I was startled by a sound that I can only describe as ‘whump’. It was caused by none other than Nocturnal Man himself, jumping onto my roof in pursuit of the villain.

Throughout the subsequent battle, many such ‘whumps’ were heard as these powerful beings tossed each other around. While the eventual capture of The Bungler is laudable Nocturnal Man and his many associates, such as Night Woman and Moon Boy, have been patroling the area since the incident, jumping from rooftop to rooftop, filling the air with a chorus of ‘whumps’.

It is becoming unbearable. I fully support the work that these heroes do, and believe that our city is safer for them being here, but is this the price we pay for security? Must we tolerate a barrage of ‘whumps’ so that supervillains can be kept at bay? We, the residents of Wilford Park, certainly will not stand for it.

Thus I take it upon myself to inform you that we have very recently formed the League of Disgruntlement, an organization dedicated to keeping our rooftops and neighborhoods free of those that go ‘whump’ in the night.

Our first order of business will be to take control of City Hall, so that we may better convince you of our position. However, we do not wish to cause any major disruption in the city, and would therefore be much obliged if you could arrange for 15 entry passes for me any my fellow committee members.

Once the passes have been issued, we will march together to your office, and will most likely have to hold you hostage until our demands are met. We deeply regret the inconvenience, but it is necessary to regain our peace of mind.

Together, I am certain we can reach an understanding and put an end to these incessant ‘whumps’ once and for all.

I shall await your response with regard to the passes, and look forward to capturing you soon.

 

Respectfully Yours,

 

William Grumble a.k.a. The Chairman

Head of Wilford Park Housing Committee

Chairman of The League of Disgruntlement