I have a love and hate relationship with being by myself.

Sometimes it’s what I crave most, to be far away from family and co-workers and even friends, to be away from any person that takes up my time, and to instead devote that time entirely to myself and my own pursuits. Maybe I’ll sit down with a good book, watch a movie or play some video games. Or, as is the case nowadays, maybe I’ll write about something. No distractions, no responsibilities, no human interaction. Just me and my thoughts, existing peacefully. It sounds…blissful.

But then comes the other side of the coin. Loneliness is one of my biggest fears. Not having anyone to care about or that cares about me, never being able to have a conversation or crack a joke, never holding a warm hand while enjoying a shared moment. The thought of it makes my blood run cold. What happens when I finish that book? Do I pick up another? Maybe I’m done reading for now. Even a game can only demand so much of my attention; I’ll need to move around at some point. I cannot be confined to my own head indefinitely. That’s where the seeds of madness are planted.

It all comes down to being around the right people. When I’m completely comfortable with someone, I don’t go looking for the retreat of solitude, nor do I find myself yearning for companionship. An equilibrium is reached. Unfortunately, the right people are rare in this world.

So for now, I go back and forth, pushing others away and then pulling them towards me like a deranged yo-yo.


4 thoughts on “Solitude

  1. I agree, both with your post and the above comment – I guess I am a bit of an introvert too – I love having the house to myself and bask in the peace and quiet of an empty space, especially as it opens up opportunity to pursue the things that are most dear to me without risk of interruption. My partner, on the other hand, will busy himself in social events if he finds himself home alone! Like tjmarks husband – he enjoys being surrounded by people!

    Liked by 1 person

      • I totally agree – without extroverts to entice us from our solitary confinement – we’d be sat in our rooms rocking back and forth whilst gnawing at our own skin 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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